April Is Gonna Be Tough
By Devilish Girl | April 2, 2008
Maybe this wasn’t the best time to go off the ol’ Lexapro….
Work has picked up exponetially — of course. We are about to be audited by the state, twice (once for each office by different officials) and by the Board of Nursing. All this month. Let me say that slower. A-L-L T-H-I-S M-O-N-T-H. I feel like I can’t catch a break. I need a solid month to still clean up the shit my predecessor left behind.
I’m worried we’re going to get dinged. I’m worried that some of our program managers let some things slide that shouldn’t have been allowed to. I fear that some of the shit is gonna slide downhill right on top of my head.
But I’ll take it like a man errr, woman and I won’t throw anyone else under the bus no matter how much they deserve it. I’ll just bear up and suck up any lumps I might have to take and hopefully will be able to turn the negative into a positive — by twisting my boss’ arm to finally purchase the damn HRIS software I found for the company.
Cross your fingers ya’ll, I’ll need it…
Topics: Work Crap | 2 Comments »
Being in Love S-U-C-K-S!
By Devilish Girl | March 25, 2008
I used to love being in love. You know, waking up with the butterflies when your first thought is of him. Lighting up in smiles when someone mentions his name. The whole euphoric package is wonderful!
Unless you know, with absolute certainty that it CANNOT and WILL NOT ever become anything than a one-sided crush. Then it’s nothing but sucksville from there on out. Why can’t I find someone who is AVAILABLE? Cripes. Millions of people on this earth and I have to find someone who (appears) to be a perfect match and he’s married…with 2 kids.
And before any of you start posting the hate mail, let me make it perfectly clear that we have NOT done anything inappropriate. His integrity as well as mine would never permit us to cross the line. But I sure as hell think about taking a big ol’ giant leap sometimes.
So I guess we’ll just have to be friends, or not, depending on how deeply the feelings go. Right now, I’m just enjoying basking in the glow of an emotion I haven’t felt in 8 years…
Topics: Friends & Family Crap | 8 Comments »
Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
By Devilish Girl | March 17, 2008
So, I’m weaning myself off the Lexapro. With my doctor’s consent. We want to see if I can handle my anxiety issues without the chemical help. I was under an extreme amount of pressure last August when the anxiety started to get out of control and I feel I’m in a better place to handle normal stress now.
Only thing is that for a couple of weeks I’m going to be emotionally all over the place. And it’s already started. I had a very hard time getting to sleep last night but as soon as I did the nightmares started. Very vivid nightmares. I woke myself twice and fell right back into the dream when I drifted off. I’m really hoping that this period of adjustment is just that and that it will end soon.
I have started taking Inderal for my migraines. I said no to the Topamax - even though giving up the side effect of losing weight was hard! But I wanted less side effects and so far so good. I’ve been on it a month and I’ve had only ONE migraine. I can’t even tell you the last time I only had 1 migraine in 30 days. So that’s a huge improvement. I’ve had a couple days of numbness in my arms and hands, but I’m not going to get off completely scott free on side-effects.
So I’m working hard at getting my body back under my control instead of the other way around. It feels good to be taking positive steps in that direction!
Topics: Every Day Crap | 3 Comments »
I’m Here, I’m Here!
By Devilish Girl | March 11, 2008
I’m sorry for making all you guys worry! I needed a sudden vacation from the blog world to get my act together, take care of some family stuff and to get my mind and body healed.
I’m going to stay with blogging on here, but most likely a couple of my others are going to crash and burn. I just can’t do it all like I want to…so, changes they are a comin’! But Devilish will stick around. I need it. Now more than ever probably.
But again, to all those that e-mailed, thanks so much! It really lifted my spirits! Stay tuned for a more complete post soon!
XOXO,
Devilish Girl
Topics: Friends & Family Crap | 8 Comments »
Turning 33 With a New Design
By Devilish Girl | January 12, 2008
Luna created another work of art for me! Just in time for my birthday. This design is a little darker than the usual, but it suits my frame of mind for now. I have lots t osay, but probably won’t update again until tomorrow. My parents are fixing my favorite food for dinner tonight so I’m heading over there. Thanks, Luna! It looks great!
Topics: Blog Stuff | 9 Comments »
Second Life
By Devilish Girl | January 8, 2008
I can see how people get addicted to this kind of stuff. Funny enough though I’m not addicted to the meeting people part. I’m just addicted to the shopping for my avatar and finding the really beautiful places to just sit around and listen to music or the ocean.
Besides my friend who got me hooked I only talk with one other person. He seems very nice. And smart. The guy is mega smart. We don’t really flirt and we don’t do most of the crazy stuff that you can do on there. Just for an example we were on a raft and if you click for the menu of “gestures” one of them was “Oral Pleasure.” Ick. I am sooooo not going there. It makes me uncomfortable to even dance with someone else’s avatar. It’s just plain weird.
But I broke down and asked him his age/status etc. Because I can see how people might get an attachment to the avatars and what the other person is presenting to them. I just like to keep myself balanced and on level ground. He openly admitted that he is a few years shy of 50, has a beautiful wife and three great kids. He just likes the escapist quality of Second Life — he’s been a member since last summer. It won’t stop me from talking to him. He’s great fun to converse with, but now I know where he stands and I won’t cross the invisible line I have about relationships and the internet. Things can get fuzzy — cheating, not cheating, is it adultry if your avatars have sex all that stuff ugh just typing that makes me cringe). I have my own ideas about that stuff and I don’t want to cross the line.
Duck, I’ve sent you a friendship request. It will be hard with the time difference but I can try and show you some stuff if we are both on at the same time.
Topics: Every Day Crap | 10 Comments »
A New Addiction?
By Devilish Girl | January 5, 2008
I have an addictive personality. I know this. That’s why I don’t allow myself to collect much other than books. When I start something I have to have them all — in mint condition. Or I have to beat “the game” so I rarely play video games. But a friend pointed out the new online world called Second Life. You create a person and you can outfit them, they look pretty real (in a way) probably along the same lines as The Sims. There’s all kinds of worlds/places to explore and some of them are very soothing (ocean sounds at the ocean scenes and whatnot). So I have been on there a lot in the last couple of days to escape my reality. I haven’t really chatted anyone up, but I am obsessed with making my avatar as hot as possible. I want her to be everything I’m not. I have a tattoo, I’m tiny and I can wear leather bustiers. It’s great! If you like The Sims, you’ll probably like Second Life. If you are a member and want to make me a friend contact me (under the heading “The Sinner” 
and let me know what your online name and I’ll pass mine along. My first name is Trinity.
Topics: Every Day Crap | 6 Comments »
Covers Over My Head
By Devilish Girl | January 4, 2008
I haven’t felt like being a part of the human race today. I laid in bed with the covers over my head for most of it. I didn’t eat breakfast, cruised right through lunch and then finally dragged my sorry butt out of the bed and went to Cracker Barrel for some comfort food. Nothing like dumplings when you’re feeling down.
My birthday is coming up soon. Not really looking forward to being 33. I know it’s just a number, but it’s depressing how little I feel I have accomplished. CKD and her husband are coming over Sunday so we can do Christmas and my birthday. I hope I can get the house in order by then. CKD has only been here once since I moved in. And her husband has never stepped foot in the house before. I’m sure a good time will be had by all!
Topics: Friends & Family Crap | 1 Comment »
A Hard Day
By Devilish Girl | January 3, 2008
E.A.C. 06/29/49 ~ 01/01/08
I just found out that Christine’s Dad succumbed to esophageal cancer on Jan 1st — 6 months after being diagnosed. May he be filled with peace and be surrounded by beauty and comfort wherever he is.
Topics: Friends & Family Crap | 2 Comments »
Anxiety
By Devilish Girl | January 2, 2008
I’m filled with it every day. The Lexapro helps a bit but it still grabs me by the throat sometimes. I’ve always been a worrier. I’m the oldest and a lot of responsibilities have naturally fallen on my shoulders as I was growing up. But the last three years the worry has grown exponetially.
Logically I know I shouldn’t a) worry or b) obsess about the things that aren’t in my control, but that doesn’t stop it. Mostly it’s about my family.
June has Hep C and the short of the story is she got it through a blood transfusion from back surgery performed before I was even born. But her nimwit doctor didn’t notice it (when the liver enzyme level started spiking back in 2000) until 2004. She also has fybromyalgia. And those that don’t know what that is, let me just say it ain’t something you want. There are days when June’s body aches so much that she can’t even get out of bed. And she has Type II Diabetes. On top of all that she is prone to depression — and who wouldn’t be depressed when you are in pain 90% of the time?
Marcia has a history of depression and mild hypochondria (okay the hypo thing is completely my guess) and she is having back problems and spinal fluid building behind her eye problems. And due to allllll of the above she doesn’t clean her place. Like EVER. It’s completely disgusting (and she has three dogs that shed — alot). She’s getting better about the cleaning now that they have adjusted her meds. She hates her job and spews it out all over the family. My biggest fear with her is that she will quit/lose her job and have to come live with me. Selfish? YES!
Then we have Ward. Ward finally went to the doctor to get his acid reflux taken a look at. They did an endoscopy. First he tried to say that everything came back just fine. But I started thinking about that. How could everything be just fine when he has been suffering with the reflux nightly for over 15 years? So I cornered June and asked if he was telling the truth. June was torn. She had told Ward she wouldn’t say anything to me or Marcia. But I knew when she hesitated that he lied. So I confronted him. He has Barrett’s Esophagus. Barrett’s Esophagus is what Esophageal Cancer patients get before they get the cancer. Right now Esophageal Cancer is the fastest growing cancer among white males in the US. It has mushroomed over the last couple of decades. Basically his throat has suffered so much damage from the acid that instead of repairing itself with more esophageal tissue, the cells have mutated into tissue like you find in your intestines. It’s in this mutated tissue that the cancer can grow. And Esophageal Cancer doesn’t show any warning signs. Once you start noticing problems (like swallowing) it’s usually because there is a mass and that the cancer is in stage 3 or stage 4. Christine’s father is dying from Esophageal Cancer and I couldn’t bear to watch Ward go through that all because he is stubborn. Right now only about 40% of people with Barrett’s Esophagus get Esophageal Cancer. So, I really should look at it like 60% don’t get it. But the worrier inside has a hard time looking at the silver lining.
To top everything off, my Grandfather (Ward’s Dad) isn’t doing so hot. We think he might be in the very beginning stages of Altzheimers but he won’t get checked because he has made it very clear that he wouldn’t live with that particular disease. AND he’s still driving when he has absolutely no business being on the road.
My family is nerve wracking. It’s hardly a wonder that I have gray hair at 32. I just can’t turn off the worry. I want to but it’s very, very hard. I think I’m like a bottle of champagne that’s just about to pop its cork.
Topics: Friends & Family Crap | 4 Comments »